The State of Wait

I feel like I live in a perpetual state of waiting. I’m waiting for registration to come in for classes scheduled soon, for checks to come in for work I’ve done, for packages to come with things I’ve ordered, for new opportunities to crystallize from the dream-seeds that I planted. I’m waiting.

I’m getting better at waiting though. I think I’m getting used to it maybe. I don’t get as anxious as I used to, and feel less stressed out. I have more faith that things are being arranged, and I see signs that things are developing to make them happen. That helps me have patience.

Today I had a powerful and profound day. I was at The Cleveland Clinic, where I volunteer as a Reiki practitioner on Tuesdays. I go around with one of the Healing Services staff, either a clergy or a staff Reiki practitioner, and give Reiki to patients who have put in a request for a visit. Sometimes in the afternoons, I go to nursing stations and offer the nurses Reiki. They usually accept if they have a few minutes, and they are enthusiastic and appreciative. It’s a fulfilling opportunity, and I look forward to it every week.

So, today I was going on patient visits with a Healing Services staff person. We went to visit and give Reiki to two patients who were in the stages of dying. There was no more that could be done (medically) for them, and we had been called to offer them Reiki to ease their transition. We also offered and then gave Reiki to their family members who were there with them.

Giving Reiki to these patients brought back intense memories of being with my mother-in-law at the end of last summer as she was going through this transition. I recognized immediately the way these patients were in and out of consciousness, the way they seemed between worlds.

Most of all, it brought back memories of the waiting that we all did as we were with my mother-in-law, during her final few days. The family members of these patients today were also waiting, providing comforting presence to their loved ones.

I could feel as the Reiki flowed that these patients were going to pass soon. The energy was different, slower, more gentle, than when I give Reiki to a person with an illness, wound, or post-operative procedure. Both patients acknowledged the energy. One said it was wonderful. The other nodded when we asked if it was okay for her. They both knew what was happening.

Their family members who we gave Reiki to afterward were appreciative. The energy helped them relax and feel cared for.

All day today, I’ve been reflecting on this experience. I understand the waiting they were all doing.

I asked the angels to be with them all, especially the little 4 year-old son of one of the patients. The waiting they are doing is a stronger, more emotionally intense kind of waiting than the waiting that’s part of my daily life. Their waiting is their job right now.

My daily waiting is something I have to monitor, though. It’s not my job. My job, I remind myself, is to live in NOW. Because waiting all the time takes away from what I’m doing now, and I forget to enjoy the present.

My kids are on winter break. I took them to the playground yesterday, despite the 19 degree temperatures outside, to slide down the icy-fast slide and then get some chocolate mint hot cocoa. It was my birthday. That part of the day was the best part of the day. We had a good time. Tonight, after dinner, we played a game together. Game night is one of their favorite family activities. When I’m distracted from the waiting by doing something fun with my kids, I am enjoying life a lot more.

Waiting can lead me to worrying. I’m going to be more mindful of that process, and make the effort to stay focused and present. Then the angels can do their work of making things happen, and they can line up the steps I’ll take toward getting me to my goals. This is a much better way to live.

Being in that waiting space again with the families of the transitioning patients today reminded me of the difference between necessary waiting and unnecessary waiting.

Reiki Awakening Reiki blog by Alice Langholt

The Lull

I have lots of new things in the works. A network of energy workers that meets once a month, called The Energy Network, starts this coming Sunday. A new Reiki for Parents class starts locally this Saturday. A new section of the online virtual classroom Reiki Awakening Energy Healing Certification Program starts Oct. 12. And I’m starting to plan a Reiki Retreat for May 13-15, 2011. I have the location and a contract, and lots of ideas. So the ideas are flowing, plans are in place and in progress, promotion for the classes is out there. Now I am waiting for registration to come in.

My husband, Evan, had a second interview for a position that could potentially be a good fit for him. He is waiting for the call about whether they will offer it to him or the other candidate they were considering. That call is supposed to come today, but so many times the people say they will call on such-and-such a date, and they call days or even weeks later. Plus if they offer the position to the other candidate, it’s unclear whether he will receive a call or be left to assume it wasn’t for him. More waiting.

This is the hard part for me, and has always been my challenge – waiting. How do people do that? How do people wait for things to happen and stay calm? I have an influx of “what ifs” going through my mind as I try to plan for every possible scenario.

I know, I know. Be in the moment. Isn’t that what I advise everyone else? Just be. Surrender. Let it go. You’ve done all you can do. Now the Universe will bring you the students. The Universe will arrange Evan’s perfect job at the perfect time. All will fall into place.

But I’m standing on the precipice, waiting. And the phone is quiet. The email is bringing in ads and email newsletters that I wonder why I subscribed to (or if I did). I should be busying myself with other things so I can keep from thinking about it too much maybe. (Hey, maybe blogging about my feelings will help to soothe them. I think that’s why I started this one. I’ll let you know if it starts to work.) Part of me feels like screaming, actually. Not too cathartic yet.

I can do some self-Reiki. That helps for a little while. I know, I know. Be, surrender, let it go. Good words. Hard for me to hear right now, even from myself.

So I ask myself what will happen if…

  • No one registers for my class. I will have to cancel it. Then I will question why I keep doing this. Was it the timing? Was it the audience? Was it the marketing? Was it the content? Was it the fee? Was it me? If the Universe has given me this path (and it still feels like it is my path), and I’m marching on it full speed ahead, why aren’t the students flocking (or at least enough of them to make a class happen) to fill them (and why do they always seem to come at the last minute, putting me through this horrible repeated wondering and creating a run-on-sentence problem?)
  • No one comes to The Energy Network meeting. I will sit there wishing people had come. Then I will wonder why people didn’t show for this opportunity to share an hour and a half talking about energy healing, their practice, and giving and receiving energy. Was it the timing? Was it the audience? Was it the marketing? Was it the cost (I think it’s very reasonable but what do I know)? I feel somehow guided to make connections and offer a supportive and open place for those who work with energy to mingle and share. Why hasn’t anyone preregistered?
  • No one registers for the new Certification Program. I’ll cancel it and wonder all the same things as above.

This waiting time is hard enough to have me wondering if a steady job with a steady income is a better choice than this life. My heart is deeply entrenched in Reiki work. I literally left a full time career to do this and resolved to dedicate this year to building my Reiki practice. I suppose this is no time to wimp out. The ideas are still coming, and I am running with each one as my head tries to keep up with my feet. My heart screams in protest when I consider changing direction again, even for a few minutes. Even my freelance writing work is unsteady, as I wait for new projects, or wait for payment for those I’ve completed. I blame the waiting for creating all this doubt. And also some tension about waiting for Evan to land that perfect position that he needs to help ease our money issues and make the waiting and planning easier on my end. It’s a money flow issue, which I know I’m not alone in facing, given the state of our country’s economy right now.

But it’s all about waiting. And how to do it gracefully. I’m rather awkward at it, even still. Two weeks ago, acupuncture helped me with this. I know that Reiki can do the same thing. I admit that it’s hard to get myself calm and quiet by myself to apply Reiki, except at night when I’m falling into bed. During the day I feel like running around and doing something and it’s hard to slow down my body or my mind for long. Excuses, excuses, my inner self chides. Yeah. I hear ya, inner self. Ok.

Breathing. A good start. I am now going to take three deep long breaths. Here. Take them with me. 1…..2……3. Actually that helped. After I post this blog, I’m going to go take a shower and Reiki the shower head so I’m receiving a shower of warm Reiki with the water. Okay. It’s a plan. I’m even going to continue with this mindful breathing at least once per hour, three times. I think I always need to know something I can DO while I’m waiting that will make the waiting easier, if I’ve done all I can otherwise. I have a new notebook for jotting down my ideas and I think I’ll get started on making a list.

I close with a song. “The waiting is the hardest part.”

Have a good one. Breathe with me today. Thanks.

Reiki Awakening Reiki blog by Alice Langholt